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Earthquake frightens Cumbrians into giving up incest
CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.
Vince Cable fans looking like a right bunch of twats
THE millions of people who said Vince Cable was exactly the sort of
politician this country needs were last night looking like a bunch of
grade-A twats.
Mother forced to choose favourite child to join her on Eurostar
BRUTAL Eurostar commandants last night forced a mother-of-two to make an agonising choice between her offspring.
Nintendo launches Wii Family Argument
CONSOLE giant Nintendo's new game will encourage families to interact in a massive Christmas fight.
Gove reinstates school sports if he can be picked first
WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who
looks like Robert Pattinson.
British media urged to do the decent thing with a revolver
BRITAIN'S media has been urged to go into its study with an old service revolver after the Daily Telegraph had to trick Vince Cable into revealing Lib Dems and Tories don't get on very well.
People to be killed by tank commanders listening to Steps
THE lifting of the ban on openly gay US troops will mean people being killed by tank commanders who are listening to upbeat euro pop, experts have warned.
Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango
THE iconic Machin Head
portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's
steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been
confirmed.