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Miliband orders calculator watch

ED Miliband has ordered a digital calculator watch in a bid to reassure Britain he can steer it through economic turmoil.

Gypsies 'love stupid, pointless shit just like rest of us'

A NEW television series has been hailed for portraying gypsies as being just as shallow, materialistic and celebrity-obsessed as mainstream society.

Osborne to reconsider being torn to shreds

CHANCELLOR George Osborne will rethink an April fuel price rise after acknowledging its effects on his ability to live.

Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Genetically-modified mosquitoes released for no reason

SCIENTISTS in Malaysia have unleashed giant, DNA-altered mosquitoes into the environment for the hell of it.

Keys points finger at Sith

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

Celebrities still think they deserve privacy

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My son has decided to become a homosexual and I was wondering what I need to do to turn him normal again...