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Go now, dog-faced Stargate aliens tell Mubarak

HOSNI Mubarak has been urged to resign by the dog-faced space aliens who founded Egypt more than 8,000 years ago.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

If you're anything like me, you're thinking of the glamorous 80s pop sensation, Sabrina and her massive hit record Boys, boys, boys.

Not-England don't win uncompetition

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.

Burger to headline Glastonbury

THE main stage headliner at this year's Glastonbury festival will be McDonalds' new tropical-themed burger, organisers have confirmed.

Small firms urged to sell stuff to bankers

SMALL businesses across Britain could increase their profits by selling loads of stuff to rich bankers, it has emerged.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other night, I couldn't get to sleep, and so I was lying awake in the darkness fretting about all my problems, when I became slowly aware of a quiet slapping sound coming from beneath the covers next to me...

Meryl Streep attacks Carlos Tevez

MERYL Streep has revealed how her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has turned her into a swivel-eyed maniac.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When renegotiating your phone contract this week, rather than going for one with loads of free texts get the one that's covered in cyanide.