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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
An interesting eight seconds later this week as the last few moments of your life are spent realising that your entire journalistic career has been spent making an already dreadful world marginally worse with your pinch-mouthed hateful rambling.

Olympic stadium to become 'world class' car boot sale venue

LONDON'S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation's finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.

Take That riot police 'just a bunch of dancers'

BRITAIN was heavy with disappointment last night as it emerged that Take That's riot police are just a group of non-violent dancers.

Doctors assure Paisley new pacemaker is not Catholic

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

Pretend Mars mission a success, confirms group of nine year-old boys

A SUCCESSFUL simulated Mars mission saw encounters with aliens and also zombies, according to the children who organised it.

NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

She's sophisticated, aromatic and has a top of speed of just under 20 miles per hour. This is my story of how I brought her into my life. Learn from it and let it inspire you.

Woman impregnated by overhead kick

WAYNE Rooney's right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.