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Boardrooms should be 14% Brazilian tranny

ONE in every seven company directors in Britain should be a Brazilian transvestite with a pronounced facial tick, according to a new report.

iPhone barricades itself in motel with drugs and whores

THE increasingly unpopular iPhone last night barricaded itself in a motel room with a brace of whores and a side arm.

British Gas bullshit up 24 per cent

THE nauseating bullshit British Gas uses to justify its vicious profiteering leapt 24 per cent last year.

UK rescue attempt convinces Brits to stay in Libya

UK attempts to rescue British citizens trapped in Libya have convinced most of them to dig a big hole in the sand and live in it.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly
It's been so long since someone rang my bell I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have another orgasm that doesn't involve four AA batteries.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Spice up your love life by trying something different this week, like running it under a tap once in a while, for Christ's sake.

Auction uncovers 'Five Go Deporting'

AUCTIONEERS have discovered an unpublished Enid Blyton manuscript about a group of children who spend the summer deporting gypsies.

Charity muggers to undergo compulsory self-doubt training

STREET fundraisers are to be psychologically re-conditioned to reduce their self-confidence to human levels.