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Goodwin having sex with your money

WORLD'S worst banker Fred Goodwin hosts money orgies where he has intercourse with a series of life-size papier maché figures made from £20 notes.

New Tomb Raider delayed by glitch in sequel generating machine

THE latest Tomb Raider instalment has been delayed by technical problems with SEQUL8TOR, Hollywood's giant sequel-making computer.

Daily Mail perfected

THE Daily Mail achieved perfection today after publishing a photograph of Eva Braun posing as a black man.

No such thing as Arsenal fans

THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.

Public sector cordially invited to suck it

BRITAIN is today extending a gracious invitation to the public sector to suck on it until they gag.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've just started a new job and although I'm enjoying it so far, I'm finding it hard to integrate with the other staff.

Pensions simplified into single Cup-a-Soup voucher

IAIN Duncan Smith is to simplify Britain's complex state pension system into an easy to understand voucher for powdered soup.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn't it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?