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Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

'Hey Dermot, is that you in there, masturbating?'

Taliban totally fine with whole pissing on corpses thing

AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.

Everyone to start supporting Barnet

FOOTBALL supporters are to switch their allegiance to a team whose scumbags they have never heard of.

Roundabout traffic flow to be reversed during Olympics

TRAFFIC flow on roundabouts will be switched to anti-clockwise for the duration of the Olympics, the Government has announced.

Take Me Out contestants shot dead after escape from holding pen

THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

"I was thinking perhaps my profile needs work and I possibly shouldn't mention my tiny gnarled penis and my love of garrotting."

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may not know much about art, but you know what you like. It’s just a shame that happens to be rearranging your balls on public transport.

Everyone apologises for everything

EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.