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Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

Planes kill baddies

LOTS of people died in Libya last night, but it's okay because they were baddies.

Theatre groups to remind Britain why they are the first things to be cut

THEATRE groups across Britain will unite this weekend to remind taxpayers exactly why they are being cut.

Teachers not famous enough

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

UN backs Radio 1 regime change

THE United Nations security council has paved the way for air strikes against Chris Moyles.

Fingers crossed Libyan rebels aren't insane

THE United Nations last night had its fingers crossed that the Libyan rebels it has just backed are not stark, raving lunatics.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

People get upset when trying to understand the Higgs Boson, but there is only one question you really need to ask: Are you a Belieber?

Hipsters denied right to verbal communication

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.