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Daily Mail calls for increase in dead poor people

PRIDE of Britain the Daily Mail has today launched a new campaign for more people in the Third World to die in a ditch.

Capello sends Owen highlights DVD

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.

Brown dress fails to make it all better

THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.

Vince Cable has been reading the papers again

VINCE Cable has predicted another economic crash after reading about it in the newspapers.

Cheryl Cole not good enough for Americans

BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Last weekend I was doing something I shouldn't with an unknown gentleman in a nightclub toilet when we were unexpectedly interrupted by my sister-in-law.

Getting angry at traffic jams makes them go away

SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard makes traffic jams disappear, according to new research.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you're trying to grow a moustache or you've had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.