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Celtic to sneer at grubby stadium

CELTIC fans will replace sectarian chants with derogatory comments about furnishings at this weekend’s Old Firm derby.

Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Team GB safe from angry bulls

BRITAIN'S Olympic team need have no fear of rampaging bulls, it has been confirmed.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.

Burden should fall on those with the most character, says Osborne

OLD people must bear the burden of the top rate tax cut because they are so good at it, George Osborne has insisted.

New Doctor Who companion is middle-aged bricklayer

DOCTOR Who's new assistant is an overweight man from Watford called Geoff.

Britain officially a dystopia

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.

45p rate 10% more avoidable, say experts

THE new 45p tax rate is 10 percent easier to avoid than the 50p rate, experts have confirmed.