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Manchester begins to eat itself
MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.
Clooney dumps model for distracting him from allotment
SCREEN icon George Clooney split from Elisabetta Canalis because she kept distracting from his vegetable patch, it has emerged.
Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever
MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.
Chelsea fans go all giddy
THOUSANDS of tattooed Chelsea supporters have locked themselves in their room listening to Justin Bieber after the appointment of André Villas-Boas as manager.
People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are
MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.
Britain urges RBS to take huge, potentially lucrative risks
THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been urged to make a series of massive, insanely risky investments in a bid to boost its share price.