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Elderly Australian man satisfied with purchase

AN Australian pensioner today declared the British government to be excellent value for money.

Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

Pupils assure teachers they'll always think they're dicks

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils' lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.

A guide to strike etiquette

AS the country's public servants once again challenge Britain to notice the difference, experts have issued an essential guide to national strike etiquette.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've developed a really embarrassing problem related to my anal region.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week two Wall Street billionaires swap your life with that of a homeless man for a dollar bet. After three days the homeless man is begging for his old life back.

Hari defends himself during pretend Parkinson interview

CHOIR-preacher Johann Hari has dismissed claims of plagiarism during a fantasy interview where he pretended he was talking to Michael Parkinson.