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Clubs line up to tell Barton to do one

NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.

Survey reveals most British people should be executed

THE majority of British adults should be killed by the government, according to a new survey.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

Thelma and Louise drove across America chasing their dream, which ultimately proved unattainable. Their frustration is shared by scientists who try to travel into the past.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

'Ken Barlow came out of the TV set and grabbed me around the neck. His eyes were burning with an intense, pink fire'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
At the third stroke, your life will enter a far deeper phase of utter meaninglessness. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeep.

Scantily-clad gay Putin fans stage car wash

MUSCULAR homosexual Russian men have been giving free titillating car washes in support of their beloved Vladimir Putin.

If you're using Internet Explorer, this is called a 'website'

PEOPLE with the browser Internet Explorer were last night told they were using it to 'explore' the 'internet'.

Bannatyne invests £250,000 in the Reggae-Reggae Arm-Breaker

SCARY dragon Duncan Bannatyne last night said he was 'in' for 30 per cent of a funky device that breaks people's arms.