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Britain reminded that Melanie Phillips is not well

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

"All I can think of these days is how to escape the next blast from her enormous winking anus."

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you learn that the difference between a strip club and a burlesque show is a juggler, an air of smugness and an extra £20 to get in. No chance of an oily tug for an extra 50, either.

New hormone test offers married men timetable of misery

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.

Housing market affected by houses being on fire

ESTATE agents are struggling to find buyers for Britain's increasing number of on-fire homes, it has emerged.

Policing seems to work

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

Cash-strapped men turn gay

MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.