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David Cameron invents the Scouts
THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.
Riot response finally turns stupid
BRITAIN'S festival of righteous indignation has finally resulted in someone being jailed because of tube socks.
Ice Cube family comedies to undermine gangsta culture
RAPPER Ice Cube's family comedy film Are We There Yet? is to be screened in schools in a bid to make 'gangsta' role models unappealing.
Public unconcerned that police think they should be in charge
BRITAIN has thrown its support behind the unelected jobsworths who watched London burn for three days, it has emerged.
Premier League subdues fevered nation
POLICE last night thanked the Premier League for lulling an over-excited Britain back to sleep.
Starkey sick of hearing Jamaican patois at the Ivy
HISTORIAN David Starkey has written to a top London restaurant about its constant use of nihilistic Jamaican patois.
Looters return stuff to Games Workshop
SCORES of disappointed rioters queued up this morning to return goods they had mistakenly looted from Games Workshop.
News International to fund extra police officers
NEWS International's desire to give money to policemen could offset the effect of government cuts, it has emerged.