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More Britons can't afford to get the hell out of here

MIGRATION figures show more Britons than ever are trapped in this godforsaken hellhole.

iPhones resign

THE world's iPhones have resigned, it has been confirmed.

QPR stockpiling gits

NEIL Warnock is building a fortress of arseholes in West London, it emerged last night.

Ikea shoppers are Nazis too, say experts

PEOPLE who buy things from Ikea are obviously Nazis, scientists confirmed last night.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Although the recent English riots didn't extend as far as our town, I fear that I have played my own shameful part in the civil unrest and have been wrestling with my conscience ever since.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week your hangover becomes so all-encompassing that the Dignitas clinic sends you one of it's special cups of tea.

Court forced to differentiate between competing voodoo

DRUID leader King Arthur Pend... John Rothwell has had his particular brand of mojimbo dismissed by the high court.