the dailymash

England chiefs vow to point Jonny Wilkinson in vaguely the right direction

Tory donor kills lion but still fails to get full erection

MILLIONAIRE banker Sir David Scholey remains unable to achieve an erect penis despite shooting bullets into a lion, it has emerged.

Bid to keep rugby fans in New Zealand

THERE have been fresh calls to detain Britain's diehard rugby fans in New Zealand for the rest of their lives.

Banks to find way of risking your happiness

BRITAIN'S banks have pledged that industry reform will not prevent them from toying with your pathetic life.

Payment for pint of your blood increased to two biscuits

Conspiracy theorists deny 9-11 anniversary

SEPTEMBER 11th conspiracy theorists have dismissed claims of the terrorist attack's 10th anniversary.

Prince Charles to grow enormous beard

ROYAL aides have confirmed that Prince Charles is to give up his role as heir to the throne to pursue a career as a mouth-foaming prophet of doom.

Café owner going to kill laptop-using bastard

COFFEE shop owner Tom Logan is about to murder the Mac user who has bought one cup of tea in four hours, it has emerged.