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Banks create 340,000 scapegoat roles

THE UK's banks have provided a major boost to the economy by creating a third of a million jobs for professional blame-takers.

Prince Charles to attend Job Centre Plus every fortnight

IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.

Prison escape lacks narrative drive

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

Bank of England 'thought Libor was a brand of toilet cleaner'

THE Bank of England inadvertently sanctioned the manipulation of interest rates because it thought Libor was a powerful disinfectant.

Spain show boring inability to be rubbish

EURO 2012 winners Spain have come under more fire for showing a reluctance to mix things up by being bad at football.

Pre-nup gives Cruise sole custody of Thetans

THE pre-nuptial agreement between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes guarantees the Mission Impossible actor sole custody of his wife's Operating Thetan.

Becoming a 'Steampunk' best way to prolong virginity

DRESSING as a Victorian-themed science fiction character is a great way to avoid ever having sex, it has emerged.

Rangers becomes a pub team

SCOTTISH football chiefs are forcing Rangers to start again as a pub team following their financial difficulties.