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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

"Do you think it's too forthright to make a grab for his cock and balls in the staff canteen?"

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Many people imagine how it'll end for them - charging into battle surrounded by brothers in arms, diving in front of a speeding car to save the life of a loved one, or trampled by a bull in Pamplona? All I'm going to say to you is 'anal trauma'.

Discovery of Earth-like planet means it's okay to destroy Earth

ASTRONOMERS have discovered a habitable planet that we can all just go and live on when we break the Earth.

Uh-oh, says everyone on internet

AS a man was jailed for internet abuse, everyone with a computer has spent the last 12 hours frantically deleting as much as they possibly can.

Rooney like Pele, but with prostitutes, says Ferguson

WAYNE Rooney is a white, prostitute-loving version of Pele, Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed.

Osborne should admit to cocaine-hooker binge even if it's not true

GEORGE Osborne may as well admit he had a night of coke-fuelled hooker sex even if he didn't, it has emerged.