the dailymash

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you give birth to a fart of such ferocity that you feel compelled to name it before it makes landfall in southern Florida.

IMF warns recession could be lurking in your shed

ECONOMISTS have warned there could be a two-headed recession lurking in every garden in Britain.

Army to provide emergency tennis

THE army is on standby in the event of a tennis strike, Downing Street has confirmed.

Complexity of Dr Who storyline irrelevant to target audience

Kate being taught how not to look bored at provincial community centres

Met forced to emulate Gestapo in other ways

'Don't ask, don't tell' abolished at London Fashion Week

Rioters summer school will have loads of stuff worth nicking

A SUMMER school for rioters will be full of tellys and tracksuits, Nick Clegg has pledged.