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Scotland 'needs another Waitrose'

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

Grand National to outlaw rotating knives

ANIMAL rights activists have welcomed the removal of meat-processing machinery from next year's Grand National.

Internet weirdos take first step towards running country

BRITAIN'S weird, internet bigots are flocking to the government's E-Petitions site in a bid to make parliament talk about all the things they hate.

Why would you think pension strikes are about pensions? asks TUC

TRADE Unions are to press ahead with pension strikes because the strikes are not about pensions and never have been, it was confirmed last night.

Julian Cook's science laboratory

You may be confused about why antimatter exists, but you can easily forgo the stress if you just think about the nimble young Olympian, Tom Daley and his spectacular plummets.

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The Space Shittle.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

'He always shows up early to pick me up from the school disco and tries to dance along to Dizzee Rascal in his slippers'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you're almost certain hasn't been filled with urine.