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Rooney facing six months in quarantine
WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.
Inventor of driverless car 'inspired by dream of masturbating in back seat of moving vehicle'
AS self-driving vehicles become a reality, their creator has revealed he was inspired by the notion of being able to masturbate while travelling on a busy road.
For Christ's sake just teach them, parents tell schools
PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.
Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor
I'd like to say I understand your problems but I'm in Thailand with my wife Pae Pwang-O'Connor maxing, relaxing and watching her play tennis in a bikini and heels.
Your problems solved, with Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
My wife has agreed for us to have my mother-in-law round for Christmas
again, which means discussions about piles and David Cameron's evil eyes
amid the overwhelming smell of Lily of the Valley mixed with human
faeces.
Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week why not conduct a major survey where you somehow forget to ask a lot of rioters why they are such arseholes?
Satan missing from leaked Zuckerberg photos
THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.
Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex
WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.