the dailymash

Rooney 'still has hunger'

WAYNE Rooney has hit back at criticism of modern English footballers, saying he still has a massive appetite.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The debate about when to use ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ has passed you by, more or fewer.

Jim'll Fix It badges to be recalled, melted down and made into statue of Boris Johnson

FIX It badges awarded by Jimmy Savile are to be rounded up, melted down and made into a statue of Britain's favourite, non-threatening children's entertainer.

Bake Off negligence triggers Great Fire

UNATTENDED cakes have sparked a huge blaze likely to engulf England.

May says no to tiny lizards

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Drugs report delivered as dance track

GOVERNMENT experts have delivered a report on drugs policy as a rap over a housey beat.

You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ's sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.