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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Remember that the police will be focusing on drink drivers right now, making it the perfect time to start kidnapping dogs again.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've come to the decision that the people of Britain have been far too naughty this year, what with all the looting and rioting and striking...

Scientists find car made of dinosaur bones

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Amazon basin have found the remains of a crude car made from dinosaur bones, with stone cylinders for wheels.

Liverpool sticking with 'Uruguayan racism is really friendly'

LIVERPOOL'S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

CNN 'can't remember' who gave away Piers Morgan's parking space

CNN last night said it had no recollection of who removed Piers Morgan's name from his designated parking space.

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after a branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

Kim Jong Un waiting on IT support

APOCALYPSE facilitator Kim Jong Un will start his new job as soon as IT has helped him login to his work computer.