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Corbett too short for a knighthood

RONNIE Corbett has had to make do with a CBE because he is too short for a knighthood, it has been confirmed.

Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The Archbishop of Canterbury got it right in his speech this year when he said "everyone in the UK is a total arsehole".

Conga crash claims 37

POLICE are appealing for witnesses after a conga line collision resulted in the deaths of 37 people during a retirement party.

Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.