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Everyone apologises for everything
EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.
Gay marriage 'releases deadly pink gas into ozone layer'
POPE Benedict has explained the hard science behind his theory that gay marriage will cause the destruction of humanity.
No-one in a hurry to get to Birmingham
SUPPORT for the high speed rail link between London and Birmingham was muted yesterday as nobody really wants to go there.
Independent Scotland could be exactly the same, warn experts
INDEPENDENCE could leave Scotland exactly the same in every way, experts warned last night.
French get chance to vote for magnificent bastard
FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.
Thatcher film 'not sexually violent enough'
SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.
Turd reveals maniac’s hatred of scumbag
BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.
Miliband 'lacks video game skills to lead UK'
LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is stuck on Level 2-3 of Angry Birds, with a similarly poor performance at Fruit Ninja.