the dailymash

Low turnout sees one-eyed drug boss elected as police commissioner

DISFIGURED crack dealer Stephen Malley has been elected police commissioner for Gloucestershire.

Pudsey electrified to prevent hugging

ANY child that touches Pudsey bear will get a massive electric shock, it has emerged.

Peaches Geldof pregnant with herself

PEACHES Geldof has revealed she is due to give birth to herself in less than two months.

Lord Patten had all the jobs

Single planet not ready for a long-term orbit

I like telly, can I run the BBC?

Why should you be discriminated against, just because you're useless?

Iceland mockery vital to middle class self-esteem

THE middle class would collapse into self-loathing without frozen food store Iceland to look down on, it has been claimed.

Mervyn King is an emo

BANK of England chief Mervyn King likes alternative rock and spiked wristbands, it has emerged.