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Hester claims RBS office full of asbestos and tigers

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed his job is full of hidden dangers that could kill him.

"Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

"I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts."

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your interest in appearing on University Challenge quickly wanes when you realise it's not about asking tosspot students to step outside.

Madonna becomes new face of Tena Lady

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

Refusing to have fun now a sackable offence

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.