Your astrological week ahead for June 29th, with Psychic Bob
What’s the point of doing drugs at the world’s greatest music festival? Do them somewhere shit, like Aldi.
British family brutally catfished by pebble beach
A FAMILY on a UK break were devastated to discover their destination had deceived them by offering only pebble beaches.
We ask you: which Hollywood star, ie the only Americans that count, should replace Biden?
JOE Biden is too infirm to be president, so gay liberal Hollywood has no option but to step in. Who should replace him for the showdown against Trump?
Most popular dog names are now hippy bullshit
DOGS that do not know any better are being called Luna, Milo and Bella instead of good honest dog names like Rover, Rex and Tyson.
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Kemi Badenoch’s unwise popularity contest with David Tennant
WAKING from a blissful dream in which I am floating on my back in the Dead Sea, only to find I am sloshing about in a large pool of vomit atop my mattress, I take stock of the events which led me to libation.
Hen party’s a-brewin’
A STOICAL man gazing at the clouds has grimly warned that a hen party is approaching.
Which untried, out-of-position teenager do you think will solve England’s problems?
ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.
Gentrification comes to field of shit
A FIELD containing vast quantities of human faeces and dodgy fast food vans is being gentrified beyond the means of most Britons this weekend.
Why I’m running to be MP for Barnsley North. By Justin Timberlake
AWARD-winning pop sensation Justin Timberlake has been wowing crowds for decades. Here he explains why his next project is to represent the constituents of Barnsley North.
Pint a delicious, refreshing depressant
ON hot days a pint of beer is a delicious and refreshing way to bring your mood right down, experts have confirmed.
‘I have won all the debates and therefore the election’
WE have held debates, I won them all and they were on television. Everybody watched them and everybody will therefore vote for me or what was the point?
Bellends in your local park now it’s sunny, ranked from worst to best
HOT weather is great until you go to the park and realise midges aren’t the only bastards the sun has brought out. But which annoyance makes you most want to destroy the place so no one can ever use it again?
Keir Starmer: Stalin’s Purges. The party leaders’ actual favourite TV shows
THE party leaders have revealed their favourite TV shows, which is obviously a pack of lies intended to project how normal they are. Here’s what they really binge-watch.
Bellend takes day’s paid holiday to play bloody golf
A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.
We are now pretty close to working out where the goal is, says Southgate
ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is.
Sunak bet on exactly 15 colleagues getting busted
THE prime minister is holding out for every single one of the 15 Conservatives being investigated for gambling to be charged so his William Hill wager pays off.