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Sherwood and Rodgers form crime fighting duo

TIM Sherwood and Brendan Rodgers will drive around the country solving mysteries, they confirmed yesterday.

The duo have launched a detective agency called ‘Rodwood’, promising to deliver their special brand of justice wherever they are needed.

Rodgers said: “Each week I will have three envelopes, one of which will contain the name of the criminal we’re after and the other two will have a series of excuses why we didn’t catch them.

“We’re hoping for a 61% conviction rate, which is enough to put you in the top four of crimefighting duos alongside your Dalziel & Pascoes and your Rosemary & Thymes.”

For their first case, a series of small bandstand fires in a Carlisle park, Rodgers has asked the local authority for a budget of sixty million pounds to assemble a team of promising young detectives from across Europe, as well as Joe Allen.

Sherwood said: “Tim Sherwood will get results because Tim Sherwood does not know the meaning of the word ‘failure’, despite the numerous chances Tim Sherwood has recently had to find out.”

New Adele song puts mum in really weird mood

A MOTHER-OF-TWO is still on the sofa clutching a glass of red wine since hearing Adele’s new song Hello.

Family members found 33-year-old Emma Bradford curled up under a knitted blanket with a strange, regretful look in her eyes.

Her partner Stephen Malley said: “After dinner she said she was going to listen to the new Adele song, which the kids and I took as a warning to stay out of the living room.

“This morning the door was still closed. I opened it warily to find her motionless on the sofa with a glass of wine in her left hand, a soft centre chocolate in her right and the laptop still open on the Adele song YouTube page.

“She won’t speak or make eye contact. I tried playing some 90s hip hop which always annoys her, but she just pulled the blanket over her head.”

Bradford’s six-year-old daughter Rosie said: “Mummy’s gone. Adele took her to a place and she never came back.”

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “The powerful sad emotions in Adele songs can overload the female cerebrum with memories of getting dumped. We call it ‘going into the A-zone’.

“The listener becomes locked inside bittersweet visions of skimming stones on a Dorset beach with a tousled-haired boy who went on to finger her cousin. The only cure is for the sufferer to hear the song again and again until it starts getting on their tits.”

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