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New Scotland kit reflects country's tradition of twee indie music

SCOTLAND’S new away kit represents the country’s history of producing delicate indie music for manchildren, according to the SFA.

The strip was launched on Wednesday to a fanfare of jangly guitars and a maudlin rendition of Lloyd, I’m Ready To Be Heartbroken by Camera Obscura.

As well as a pink and yellow hooped shirt and socks, Scottish players will also be issued with an anorak, a pair of thick-rimmed glasses held together with Sellotape, and a dream journal.

An SFA spokesman said: “From The Pastels to BMX Bandits to Belle & Sebastian, Scotland has long been a global leader in wistful disappointment, thanks to our natural abundance of sexless, pasty-faced introverts.

“This kit stands for being obsessed with a girl who doesn’t know you exist, walking through the rain feeling melancholy but strangely uplifted, and writing excruciating love poetry well into your twenties.

“It’s just what you’d expect from the nation that gave the world Teenage Fanclub, Dogs Die In Hot Cars, and Pat Nevin.”

The shirt, available in all sizes from S to XXXS, is made from high-tech microfibres that absorb, reflect and magnify the wearer’s crippling self-doubt.

It should ideally be viewed in Kelvingrove Park in the early autumn sunshine, but kit manufacturer Adidas has reassured fans that it can also be enjoyed through the viewfinder of a Super 8 camera.

Self-declared ‘bowlie kid’ Wayne Hayes said: “It’s not knitted, which is ridiculous. Frankly I preferred their early stuff.”

Coldplay beg fans to end toxic co-dependency

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has pleaded with fans to stop buying their music so they can stop making it.

The band, who released a new song this week which they hope will fail, admitted they and their fans are locked in a toxic co-dependent spiral.

Martin said: “They still buy music so they can believe they still like music. We still make music because they still buy it. How will this ever end?

“We’ve tried making the music much, much worse – almost U2-like – but the fans seem somehow immune, probably because it’s only ever on in the background when they’re ironing.

“Surely it’s impossible for concertgoers to ignore how dire we are, but they just stand there, excited they’ve got a babysitter for the night, drinking white wine and buying t-shirts.”

Martin admitted it’s been this way from the start, when he sung the band’s first hit Yellow in a ridiculously sarcastic voice to highlight how dismal it was and it became a global hit.

He continued: “All I want is to be a retired rock star, farming fish or cheese or moles or something, but God help me I still need the money.”

“Do you know how much it costs when Gwyneth does a big shop in Fresh & Wild?”

Mother-of-two Carolyn Ryan said: “They’ve got a new album out, have they? I’ll buy that for my husband. I think he still listens to them in the car when he’s bored of 5 Live.”

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