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Cardiff players to begin standing at games

PREMIER League struggler Cardiff City has unveiled plans for its players to stand up during games.

In the light of last weekend’s 4-0 loss to Hull City and fan feedback, players will trial vertical positions for the rest of the season.

A club statement read: “Our research shows that many clubs already have their players standing during games and we would like to be at the forefront of that revolution.

“However the safety of our players remains our primary concern and we will still insist that they don’t compete for 50-50 balls or make sliding tackles.”

Hull exposed the weakness of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s sedentary team, running between the rows of Cardiff City deck chairs seemingly at will.

Many supporters chanted at Cardiff’s players to rise to their feet but when Wilfried Zaha did so he quickly became disoriented and had to be substituted.

Conspiracy theory OK until the bit about Jews

A CONSPIRACY theory outlined by office worker Tom Logan was fine until it edged into anti-Semitism, according to his colleagues.

Logan’s convoluted theory, incorporating Freemason, the Bilderberg Group and Area 51, had been cordially received until he mentioned the Rothschild banking family.

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “I was on board with the global plot to brainwash and enslave billions, but became uncomfortable when he got down to ethnic specifics.

“Obviously someone engineered 9/11 and the credit crunch for their own benefit, and probably they are lizards, but I don’t get why they also have to be Jewish.

“It’s like the whole thing is just a sci-fi coating for Tom’s venomously racist views, which themselves stem from a need to blame someone for his persistent failure with women.”

Logan admitted that he’d considered dropping the anti-Semitic bits of his ‘Brotherhood of Reptiles’ theory: “Sometimes there’s a voice in my head going ‘Actually that’s just unpleasant and completely illogical.’

“Then I remember that it’s not my conscience speaking, but the Zionist elders controlling my brain with mind rays that are amplified by my dental fillings.”

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