Sport Headlines

A KEEN runner has replaced the framed photo of her husband and children on her desk with a print-out of her latest Strava route.

GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion.

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

INJURED Tour de France sprinter Mark Cavendish has announced that he will continue the race in his 2006 Renault Clio.

GARY Lineker’s form-hugging shirts have been hailed as the tightest ever worn by a football presenter.

THE international community is working to stop America getting into football and beating everyone.

LATTER stages of the World Cup have forced bigots to become more inventive in their national prejudices.

A DECADES-LONG conspiracy to discredit Uruguay and their star player Luis Suarez has been revealed.