Jubilant Corbyn celebrates defeat by an idiot

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn has congratulated himself after being beaten by a political idiot.

Corbyn insisted that ‘nothing could stop him now’ and it was only a matter of time before he was defeated by whichever monumental cretin the Tories choose next.

He said: “I am very confident that I can now be beaten by a classic British idiot like Boris Johnson, or even someone as utterly moronic and dreadful as Andrea Leadsom.

“If the Tories are stupid enough to choose a dimwit like Liam Fox or David Davies then I can promise them both a reasonable level of victory.”

Calling for the current idiot to resign, he added: “The great test of a non-idiot politician is not just to beat me, but to beat the absolute living shit out of me.

“I win.”

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Please stay while we savour your humiliation, Britain tells May

THE UK has ordered Theresa May to remain in position for a few weeks so it can relish her humiliation.

The prime minister, whose 2017 election gambit is expected to replace the Titanic as a popular metaphor for hubris, has been told to stick around so we can see the pain in her eyes.

Voter Julian Cook, from Canterbury, said: “She’s not allowed to resign. Not until I’ve drunk my fill.

“She still has to do all her normal jobs but just with that beautifully broken body language. Maybe a tremor in her voice and a bit of a shuffly walk.

“There has to be at least one big address to the nation where she says ‘strong and stable’ and then flinches in self-inflicted pain, all arrogance turned to ashes.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “Just imagine her in those Europe meetings, with the self-loathing smile of a sacked headteacher forced to return to the school as supply the very next term.

“I’m going to love this. She could do the full five years for me.”

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