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I lied because I'm innocent, Baroness Mone explains

BARONESS Mone has explained that she instructed her lawyers to repeatedly lie about her involvement in selling faulty PPE because she is innocent of any crime. 

The Conservative peer, who made profits of £60 million from selling PPE the Department of Health says was unusable, only lied about it because she is not guilty in any way.

She said: “Yes, I paid lawyers huge fees to intimidate any newspaper that accurately reported that I was connected to PPE Medpro. Because that’s what the innocent do.

“When you’re as blameless in your business dealings as I am, you lie about it. You lie because you fear people won’t understand, just because the business in question is being investigated by the National Crime Agency. And sued for breach of contract.

“You lie about not being aware there was a VIP lane, when actually you were and jumped right in it. You lie about not receiving any financial benefit when £30 million’s been paid into your offshore trust. You lie about lying. Because you’ve done nothing wrong.

“And now I’m telling the truth about those lies, not due to being caught but due to my innate, irreproachable honesty, the public must believe me. Like when I say I didn’t buy a yacht with the money. Nobody has any cause to doubt that.”

She added: “It’s so hard being innocent and misunderstood. And rich.”

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Marketing, HR, Finance: Office departments ranked by their depraved promiscuity

EVERY office is a writhing hotbed of lust, and some departments are so busy fornicating they get very little done. In order, from incel to rampant rabbit: 

IT

Computing professionals are far too busy playing real-time strategy games in the server room to even think about climbing onto each other. Hold your sympathy. They’re the happiest people in the office, untroubled as they are by the vagaries of human relationships.

Legal

In cheap, salacious TV shows such as the one which used to star the Duchess of Sussex, lawyers are constantly at it. They pause their coke-fuelled rutting only to scream ‘Objection!’ to a packed courtroom. In reality, they work 16-hour days and spend the little free time they have necking pinot noir and staring blankly at television.

Finance

Prudent and risk-averse, accountants don’t put it about without considering the consequences. There are those libertines who f**k anything that moves simply for the tingling excitement of keeping track of them all on a colour-coded spreadsheet but most crave certainty and stability; like swans, accountants mate for life.

HR

Your office’s HR team are empathic, caring individuals who think deeply about relationships and are up each other near-constantly. Inflamed by the workplace romances of others, they’re barely through exit interviews before they’re 69ing on your non-disclosure agreement. Animals.

Marketing

Imagine earning huge sums knowing your job is total bullshit. Imagine how horny that would make you. Strutting around wet or with constant erections, they can’t plan their Q2 campaign without getting so aroused they engage in five-way sessions where everyone’s pleasuring each other, all at once. Then they demand even more of the budget.

Executive board

Ever wondered why your pass doesn’t give you access to the top floor? It’s because it hides scenes of horrifying depravity. The CEO strides the corridors in a state of permanent tumescence, naked but for a gimp mask. Nude interns are stripped to their underwear and chained to desks. The walls glisten with fresh semen. This is the sort of freedom which can only be enjoyed when you’ve truly mastered the art of delegation.

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