David Bowie's real ale blog

Real ale blog, by David Bowie
I love all real ale – dark, hoppy, light, frothy, jazzy, smoky, funky, punky, spunky and nutty – but it has to be REAL ale. To show you how much I love it, here’s a number from my new concept album, Roll Out The Casque Marked, CAMRA-Approved Barrel…

Oh-ohhhhhh I’m a thirsty man, alright Oh-ohhhhh so pour me a nice big foaming piiiiiiiint
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh but don’t put any lemonade
I said don’t put any lemonade
In my pint of beer
Because that would make it a SSSHHHHANDYYYYY

Speaking of which, shortly after the Velvets split and Lou Reed needed an earner I got him a gig as a steward in the local British Legion – he poured me a bitter shandy by mistake so I had no other option but to report him to the committee and he was shown the door. BASTARD.

Here’s another song I wrote – this one’s all about my passion for pub grub…

Oh, oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – are you doing fooooood ?
I quite like the look of the lamb curry on a bed of rice
Then there’s the steak & ale pie topped off with puff pastry served with our special creamy MASSSSSSHHHHHH and seasonal veg
But you can take your vegeterian option
Aaaand stick it where the monkey sticks it…NUTTTS

I wrote that whilst sat inside one of my favourite pubs, The Butcher’s Arms, just outside Totnes. You might be interested to know that whilst I was there I had a pint of Dambuster and a cheddar ploughman’s. It was very tasty although there wasn’t any Picalilli and only one sachet of salad cream. On the positive side they did have an excellent selection of vintage beer mats and a VHS copy of Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence nestled on one of the bookshelves.

Another of my favourite watering holes is The Merry Yeoman near Trowbridge. Last week they were having a meat raffle and I managed to win something which in turn inspired me to put pen to paper…

Ohh-whoah I’ve got the winning ticket Number 27 – a shoulder of lamb
Which is a bit of a result
Because I haven’t got any food in the larder
Apart from a tin of butter beans
And another tin of butter beans
In fact I’ve got five tins of butter beans
And I don’t even liiiiike Themmmmmm

On second thoughts I don’t reckon it’s such a good idea to call in at this last pub because Mott the Hoople drink there – they don’t like strangers and can get rather tasty after a few ciders.

A Level students '20% less fit' than last year

THIS years crop of young, predominantly female, students pictured celebrating their A Levels is up to 20% less attractive than last year’s, it has been claimed.

Researchers have found that that perkiness and litheness have dropped, possibly as a result of the poor summer weather.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said There’s been a considerable decline in bewitching nubility among the young women who represent our contry’s future.

One of the ones in the Daily Telegraph was a 7 at best.

Of course, less attractive women have the right to an education too. No-ones saying they dont. Its just that newspaper editors and probably newspaper readers, I suppose arent into seeing the plain ones hugging, and kissing, and touching each other tenderly on the arm in a display of hormonally-charged affection.

Or pressing their lissom young bodies against each other.

Also, some of this years photographs had very poor composition. In a lot of the pics, the girls hair obscured their faces, and some had their arms folded, which somewhat defeats the object.

And in the Mails traditional picture of two girls jumping in the air, one of them was wearing a Marty McFly-style windcheater, rather than the flimsy cotton summer dress tradition demands.

To compound the problem, boys have started doing well in A Levels, meaning that some perfectly good shots of young women have been ruined by having young men on them.

“Although you can crop them at home in Photoshop, if you right-click and save them.”