Warsi asked to explain why Dubai locks you up for having a shag

BARONESS Warsi will today be asked to explain why some Muslim countries lock you up for having naked fun with someone you have just met.

As the UK’s first female muslim cabinet member accused Britain of anti-muslim prejudice, Dubai inconveniently locked up a British woman for having it off with a man by whom she is not legally owned.

In a keynote speech, the co-chairman of the Tory Party will say that foul-mouthed, anti-muslim slogans have now been scratched onto the majority of Britain’s dining room tables.

But experts have stressed that anti-Islamic intolerance may be directly proportional to the number of news stories about stonings, honour killings and throwing people in jail for having secular orgasms.

Tom Logan, professor of complicated issues at Reading University, said: “Baroness Warsi may say these are cultural rather than religious values and these countries are behaving in a way that is not truly muslim. But they say they are and it’s reasonable to assume they know as much about Islam as she does.

“She also complains about dividing muslims into extremists and moderates, but I do that with Christians as well. And, for that matter, cricket fans, environmentalists and people who watch Masterchef.

“There’s nothing wrong with not liking extremism, though at some point you do have to decide what it actually is. And I would say it covers things like Nick Griffin, the Daily Mail, honour killings, sending long, emotional letters to failed Masterchef contestants and handing out jail sentences for casual fucking.”

He added: “When someone says ‘it’s okay, they’re not very muslim’  they’re not saying ‘it’s okay, they’ll have a sneaky glass of cider’ they’re saying ‘it’s okay, they’re not very supportive of imprisoning women who have been raped’.

“A lot of people have a problem with rape victims being jailed, particularly on religious grounds. That doesn’t make you a Nazi. It actually makes you the opposite of a Nazi.

“Which I suppose would make you a gay, Jewish gypsy who hates motorways and violence.

“Which actually sounds rather lovely.”

 

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m unhappy with my appearance and it’s really starting get me down. The other day, I thought for a split second that John Prescott had stripped naked and broken into our house, but then I realised it was just my reflection in the bedroom mirror. My husband says he loves me no matter what I look like, but I’ve gone off him and want to get my hands on a more discerning man who loves me for my amazing tits and legs, not my Lancashire hotpot. Can you tell me how I can become a size 10 hottie and shake off this loser?
Megan
Barnsley

Dear Megan,
What your mummy should have told you is that ladies come in all shapes and sizes, and you should be happy with the way you are, rather than trying to change yourself because it will only make you sad inside. If you were born looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll then you should be happy with what you’ve got because the chances are you will never look like Barbie, and most likely you will spend your life wishing Barbie was dead because she gets to wear all the pretty dresses and go to lots of parties with Ken and GI Joe. But you need to remember that no-one really likes Barbie anyway because she can’t bend her knees properly and she’s only got one vacant expression to match her limited intellect. Worst of all, she’s so hard and angular that she’s rubbish if you want a cuddle, and could easily have your eye out with those fingers. So, you might have a face like a Womble and a body like Tinky Winky, but it could be worse – you could have a boyfriend with a blank space where his winkle should be.
Hope that helps!
Holly