TEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.
A pilot scheme has been launched in Glasgow amid fears some teenagers are now getting less than four hours sleep a night due to a combination of being teenagers and having relatively fresh genitals.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It's all about taking it one step at a time. First of all we attempt to distract them from their groins by shining a small torch or a laser pen.
"Then, starting with the pinky, we take each finger and gradually unhook it from the penis, before using a pair of pliers and a chisel to prise apart the thumb and forefinger.
"We then quickly insert a penis substitute such as a banana, a courgette or a nice big dildo into the empty hand to prevent panic attacks or hyper-ventilation.
"Once we are sure they are comfortable with the substitute we then hit them on the back of the head with an omelette pan and bring them round eight hours later."
Professor Brubaker added: "Parents who want to stop teenage girls staying up all night talking on their mobile phones and using the internet simply need to remember that it's their house and their daughters can either shut up or piss off."
Meanwhile a similar scheme in Darlington is aiming to teach young people how to breathe.
A spokesman for the Royal Society for the Promotion of Breathing said: "A lot of them are breathing in, breathing in again and then breathing in a third time, before finally breathing out.
"In 21st Century Britain, that's an absolute scandal."
