subscribe
/ Sign Out

Millions lucky enough to spend Christmas Day alone

SEVERAL million fortunate individuals will be enjoying peaceful solitude on Christmas Day, it has emerged.

As the season of compulsory family fun approaches, there is increasing jealously towards those who do not have relatives or have managed to ostracise them.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I was married with three kids but I faked my own death in a hovercraft accident just to avoid Christmas with my wife’s parents.

“I shall be watching war films in bed at just about the time my father-in-law usually starts being racist.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “My niece insists on coming over but I make her leave the presents outside.

“Usually she says ‘Merry Christmas’ through the letterbox, to which I reply, ‘Go away, I’ve got a harpoon gun’.”

However 83-year-old Emma Bradford has found her family unavoidable: “They come and get me, manhandle me into a car.

“My son’s wife – I just call her ‘she’ or ‘that woman’ – shouts in my face and gives me a box of lavender soap, which I feed to their dog.”

What will the royal baby look like?

USING a combination of art and science, the Institute for Studies has created these incredible images of what Kate and William’s beloved offspring might look like.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Since she sadly passed on, the Queen Mum’s spirit has been floating around like something in a Japanese horror film, waiting for a chance to be reborn. So the nation’s deceased grandmother could possess Kate’s baby, resulting in this.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s dark in Kate’s womb, so the child could develop extra large ‘bush baby’ eyes to navigate the inky blackness and find the fruit in her tummy.”

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The baby will be born in 2013. This is practically the distant future, so probably it will come out as a robot. It will have a futuristic name, like Zarkon-4 or Zarkon-4B if it’s a girl.”

 

 

 

Next story ›