Birmingham now 100 percent Klingon

BIRMINGHAM has become the UK’s first all-Klingon city.

The transition was complete as the last non-Klingon emerged from a public lavatory and was then placed in a laser-cannon and fired into the upper atmosphere.

The city’s name has been changed to ‘Arkmapnak’ and its promotional slogan is now ‘Kirk Marap Koobanak’, which means ‘Kirk molested a spaniel’.

Balak Goprak, the leader of the city council, said: “I challenge you now, Kirk. Come to Arkmapnak, if you have the courage.”

Asked how the city will address complaints over refuse collection timetables, Goprak replied: “Kirk, you and your decrepit comrades will beg for mercy as I wield the Triple Axe of Charkogdok.”

Meanwhile, the city’s football teams have been incinerated and the National Exhibition Centre is now home to the deadly Klingon sport of Pang-Pong.

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Red carpet hits indistinguishable from red carpet misses

STARS whose dresses were judged failures at the Golden Globes looked exactly like stars who were successful, it has emerged.

It burns the eyes

Actresses in figure-hugging clothing, all more attractive than anyone has ever seen in real life, have been arbitrarily divided into paragons of beauty or ragged, ridiculous clowns.

Emma Bradford of Halifax said: According to this Lana Del Reys blue dress was so disastrous that she was chased by a mob with pitchforks, while Felicity Jones blue gown was a link between our world and the divine.

I completely agree, but Ive no idea what they look like and I might have got the wrong one.

Fashion blogger Eleanor Shaw said: There is no middle ground.

Either an actress gets it right, or the red carpet yawns open and drags them down to Hades for their vile fashion sense.

The judgements of the Mail Online sidebar are incontestable and final.

The men attending the ceremony wore suits and had spent an average of 13 minutes on their hair.

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