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Senate asks Zuckerberg, ‘While you’re here, can you set up our printer?’

SENATORS questioning Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg asked if he wouldn’t mind having a look at their printer, while he was there.

Senators felt the top-level hearing on data privacy and Russian interference in elections was a good opportunity to get a young person to sort out their computer problems.

Senator Orrin Hatch said: “None of us can figure out how to connect the goddamn printer to the Senate’s old Dell PC.

“We keep getting an ‘error message’. Is that the same as a computer virus? We’ve heard about those and we don’t want one.

“We have serious questions for Mr. Zuckerberg about data privacy and lots of other things we don’t understand, but mainly we need to print an ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign for the coffee machine.

“Is it something to do with HTML? Is that the same as coding? What even is coding? We’re sure a young computer man like Mark will know what to do.”

Zuckerberg said: “The printer was fine. They just needed to fill the paper tray.”

No one cares how tired you are

EVEN though it has been a really tough week and you are absolutely knackered no one gives a shit, it has been confirmed.

Research has revealed that being really tired is not enough to solicit genuine sympathy however much you drone on about it.

Office worker Wayne Hayes, 28, said: “I was really knackered from watching Stranger Things until 3am, so naturally I expected people would be concerned and sympathetic.

“But when I kept yawning and saying how exhausted I was to Louise at work she just said ‘Maybe you should have a coffee’ with about as much compassion as a dead-eyed butcher quartering his hundredth chicken of the day.   

“Also I’m supposed to be going out tonight but I can barely keep my eyes open let alone enjoy myself in a trendy wine bar. Where is people’s compassion?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of The Institute for Studies said: “Tired people should ask themselves a question. Are they ‘kids, busy job and domestic duties’ tired?   

“Or are they ‘on social media till 2am’ tired? Either way no one gives even the remotest of fucks.”

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