subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man disappointed to find MILF not British after noticing continental plug sockets

A MAN is dismayed after identifying a European MILF mislabelled as British when he noticed the two-pin plug sockets above the kitchen counter she was lying on.

Wayne Hayes was upset to make the discovery after he had specifically searched for an older British lady so he could enjoy a patriotic wank.

Hayes said: “I was appreciating a video of a woman allegedly named Julie who had taken a break from her household chores to recline naked on the worktop, when my eyes were drawn to the sockets next to her shapely calves.

“They were clearly standard European two-pin jobs, not our superior three-pin ones. Then I realised there was no kettle in sight, which is definitely a telltale sign you aren’t in Blighty.

“It’s true she could have moved it to avoid a painful burn in a sensitive area, but any decent British woman would know how to navigate a receptacle full of just-boiled water.”

Hayes has now issued a plea for amateur porn producers to label their content more accurately.

He said: “This kind of sloppiness just isn’t on. How am I supposed to daydream that I could bump into Julie outside Morrisons in Huddersfield, when she’ll actually be buying schnitzel and currywurst in a Lidl in Düsseldorf?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

This week in Mash History: Londoner discovers places other than London, 1699

MODERN Londoners understand, in theory, there are cities outside London. Some intrepid explorers even visit them and return with wild tales of affordable housing and pints. 

But this was only discovered in the late 17th century when the capital’s wealthiest and most mediocre progeny created the Grand Tour, which is also where ‘having travel stories in place of a personality’ originated.

While the voyages of Columbus and Marco Polo are celebrated, many overlook these adventuring, unemployed young men who discovered the lost world known as Provincial Britain.

A letter from one of these pioneers reads: “Father. I am so very glad to have taken this year out from my studies to travel and find mine own self, for I have also found the most wondrous thing: ‘Northern England’.

“You warned one could only fare as far as Watford before the ground ended and your carriage toppled into the vastness of God’s creation. It would seem, however, there is not only land but creatures that seem almost human.

“O, I wish I had sense enough to draw meaning from their gutteral growls! I have not heard a word of English since entering the dwelling they call York but I have made progress loudening my voice and pointing commandingly, which they enjoy.

“Based on their dwelling and ordure-daubed maps, I have speculated that there may be one, even two more places that are crude, childlike imitations of London inhabited by troglodytes beyond the Lord’s grace.

“I long to learn if the legends of a mythical Scotland are true, though I think they are mere fairytales, like the legends of King Arthur or claims of a woman’s autonomy.

“Calm your worries. I shall return home soon with sketches and mayhap even a captive to be exhibited for the edification of gentlemen. I send my soiled linens that you may have cleaned and mended to distract yourself. I will be back beneath your roof, free of rent, in a mere two months.”

And so, were it not for these young travellers’ wanderings, Londoners might never have known that a ‘Birmingham’ existed, much as they do not today.

Next week: to 1851, when Isambard Kingdom Brunel invented severe delays due to planned engineering works.

Next story ›