International

THE UN secretary general has written to the prime minister of Thailand asking why they don't just eat toasted sandwiches.

A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.

THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.

DEMOCRATIC presidential candidate Hillary Clinton walked out of a campaign event in New Hampshire after small amounts of salty water began leaking from her eyes.

AMERICANS may still not be ready to vote for an annoying, screechy harridan after Hillary Clinton's poor showing in the Iowa caucus.

THE United Nations last night passed an emergency resolution calling on the people of Pakistan to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with them.

CUBA’S ailing leader Fidel Castro is to retire from dictating so he can spend more time playing golf and persecuting gays, his aides confirmed last night.

TEHRAN (Agence Mash-Presse): THE narrow, dusty road from Tehran to the Turkish border is normally quiet at this time of year.

THE British teacher who allowed her pupils to name a teddy bear after a person has been sent to the maximum security, toy-namers' wing of Sudan's toughest women's prison.

SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.