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Trump claims Obama has been following him around since 1987


DONALD Trump has claimed Barack Obama has been stalking him for the last three decades.

In a series of heavily capitalised tweets, Trump said Obama’s obsession started when his predecessor sat behind him at a screening of Beverley Hills Cop II in 1987.

According to the tycoon, Obama can be spotted – in disguise – in the background of Trump’s appearances in Home Alone 2, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and an episode of Sex and the City from 1999 called The Man, the Myth, the Viagra.

Trump added: “I’ve always felt that someone was lurking nearby.

“He is totally obsessed with me – not the other way around. I think he wants to destroy me because he’s never launched a successful range of steaks like I have.”

White House staff have tried to calm him with a copper bracelet, telling him it is a ‘special Obama-repelling device that emits a frequency that can only be heard by Hawaiians of Kenyan ancestry’.

'Mocktail' drinker secretly adding a load of vodka

A ‘MOCKTAIL’ drinker has admitted she secretly adds a ‘great deal of vodka’ to her absurd, teetotal concoctions.

Despite the envious compliments from her friends that she can enjoy a night out on nothing but apple juice and tonic water, Nikki Hollis confirmed that by her fifth ‘mock martini’ she can barely pronounce the word ‘apple’.

Hollis said: “The trick is to be two drinks behind everyone else so they don’t notice your bullshit fruit thing is highly flammable and your skirt is tucked into your knickers.

“If you do it right, people will think you’re ‘high on life’ when in fact you’re actually just drunk. On vodka.”

She has vowed that on her next night out she will stay sober and listen patiently to her friends as they get drunk and explain all the reasons why they are better than everyone else.

Hollis said: “I just wanted to seem superior to all my friends while getting absolutely wankered. Does that make me a bad person?”

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