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It would get the little prick out of the country, realises Britain

BRITAIN has realised there is an obvious upside to making Nigel Farage ambassador to the US.

As president-elect Donald Trump ordered Theresa May to appoint the UKIP leader, millions of Britons recoiled at the idea before having a ‘lightbulb moment’.

Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “Of course! Get the little bastard the fuck out of here for four years. Force the Americans to put up with his ludicrous voice and his creepy fish face.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: ”Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.”

But Bill McKay, from Berwick, warned: “Of course even Donald Trump and his gang of arseholes may get sick out of him. He’ll be continually ‘popping in’ to the White House for some ‘banter’ about ‘fannies’.

“But even if he only lasts a year, it’s got to be worth it. I’ll be able to watch the news again.”

Laptop user going to tough it out through cafe's busy period

A LAPTOP user in a cafe is determined to see off lunchtime customers who actually buy food.

Remote worker Wayne Hayes is going to ‘stick to his guns’ during the busy period at the small local business, keeping his stuff spread out across a four-seater table so that nobody asks to join him.

Hayes said: “I hate it when people come in and want to sit talking to other people, disturbing my silent, emotionless inner world.

“They look at me in an entitled way, as if they have some sort of right to seating because they have spent money on food during their pathetic ‘lunch break’ from their culturally redundant office jobs.

“But I was here first, and also I am the future.”

Hayes confirmed he is not going anywhere when the cafe reaches capacity, but nor is he going to buy any food although he might ask someone to keep an eye on his computer while he visits the toilet.

He added: “I’m doing important work here, although admittedly I am now taking a short break to look at pictures of attractive girls at Croatian rave festivals.”

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