subscribe
/ Sign Out

Israel Just Making It Easier For Guardian Readers To Look Good

ISRAEL’S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.

Experts warned Tel Aviv that every time it launches a seemingly unprovoked or disproportionate attack it allows at least 10,000 cretins to say something at a dinner party that everyone then agrees with.

Dr Martin Bishop, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Benjamin Netanyahu has to realise that his aggressive stance towards Hamas and Hezbollah is playing into the hands of some of the worst people in the world.

“I simply cannot sit through another dinner party with some speccie fucker spouting off about Israel while all the single, attractive women around the table stare at him like he was Martin Luther King.

“Meanwhile I’m sitting there knowing it’s actually a tad more complicated and that the Israelis are dealing with people who will not rest until it they’ve all been wiped from the face of the Earth and if it was us then we might just get a bit jumpy too, particularly if someone had tried to do it before.

“But if I come out and say that then this vegetarian ponce is going to accuse me of wanting to make a fancy cocktail with the blood of Palestinian babies and there goes any chance I may have of picking off the drunkest woman from the pack.

“If they could just protect their borders against exploding maniacs with a little more tact then that would help me enormously in my quest for a really good blow job.”

But Julian Cook, a grade six Guardian reader from Highbury, said: “There’s a fascinating piece by Jonathan Freedland which sums up my feelings exactly – and he’s Jewish so that means I must be right. At least I think he’s Jewish. He certainly looks like a Jew.”

And Helen Archer, a social worker from Finsbury Park who keeps a photo of Polly Toynbee in her purse, added: “Israel are acting like Nazis – there, I said it.”

Meanwhile, Mr Netanyahu has refused to apologise for the the attack and instead staged a press conference where he accused a two month old kitten of giving him a funny look, before tossing it casually under a passing steamroller.

Dr Bishop added: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

 

BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.

The small group of men, three of whom have their hands on their hips, have so far been unable to find a solution to the enormous environmental calamity that is basically their fault, despite having stared at it for hours.

Sources have suggested they may now be displaying the early signs of getting a bit pissed off with each other.

Earlier in the day, while feigning an intense interest in his left foot, operations director Stephen Malley said, only half-jokingly: “What if we get a shit-load of blue dye? Then at least it would look better.”

BP deputy managing director Tom Logan did not even bother to comment on Malley’s suggestion, but just exhaled loudly, and then dragged his hands down his face while muttering something about ‘pricks’.

Roy Hobbs, the company’s chief engineer, then took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves in a decisive manner, before squatting on his haunches and drawing a rudimentary house in the sand, before adding a chimney stack and a whisp of smoke.

And about 20 minutes later, after what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, BP’s head of communications, Joseph Turner, crossed his arms, rocked back on his heels, blew some air out of his cheeks and said: “Nightmare.”

Turner then looked at Roy Hobbs and raised his eyebrows before noticing for the first time that Hobbs has freckles.

Meanwhile corporate affairs manager Bill McKay made a self-consciously thoughtful face, which he had been practising until 3am the night before, and wondered whether he should suggest calling his neighbour’s brother-in-law Raymond, who is one of those people who can fix pretty much anything.

But despite being fairly confident that Raymond would have a decent crack at it, McKay decided to keep his mouth shut for the time being and instead offered around a packet of poor quality American sweets.

The situation is expected to continue until either someone comes up with something or they all go for a pizza.

Next story ›