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Men’s Health magazine finally puts a gorilla on the cover

MUSCLE-BASED periodical Men’s Health has unveiled its first ever cover gorilla.

The magazine’s May edition features silverback gorilla Akoo explaining the jungle exercise routine that gave him bulging arms and huge slab-like pectoral muscles.

Akoo said: “Akoo do pull ups from the big tree, three sets of twenty. This good for bicep and tricep, make big.

“After this, press ups for chest, many as Akoo can manage.”

“Then Akoo hungry, go eat.

“Akoo like eat, this good.”

In the cover feature, Akoo explains that he stays fit to defend his community from hunters and also because it gives him more confidence in meetings.

However Akoo is not concerned about having a six-pack: “In jungle big belly is okay, upper body main priority.

“Akoo focus on chest, do bench press with heavy rock, then go jungle chain pub, get female.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news as you discover you are doomed to wander the earth as UKIP leader until the heat death of the universe.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s nearly barbecue season so time to stock up on diarrhoea medicine and check that the fire extinguisher is working. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always liked the older woman but it’s getting to the point where you need to employ a medium to get dates.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Finally somebody at work asks you how your weekend went, so you can tell them about that party you went to back in 1997.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Starting a pension fund so late in your life, your financial advisor works out you’ll need to turn over a post office once every three weeks until you’re 67.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The doctor gets back to you on Monday about your urine and blood samples and asks that you stop giving them pots of your urine and blood. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Life becomes like a romantic comedy this weekend as you meet somebody who drives you crazy and you have nothing in common with. That’s as far as it will go, mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Channel 4 about your documentary series 24 Hours With A & E about a drug-fuelled marathon of uncomfortable sexual practices.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sad news from the vet tomorrow as it turns out the cat will make a full and expensive recovery and you’re stuck with the thing for another five years.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Make sure you book yourself in for ten minutes of ‘me’ time every day that isn’t a wank.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your horoscope will arrive some time between 9am and 6pm.

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