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Trapped Scottish drivers forced to deep fry each other

HUNDREDS of Scottish drivers, trapped by heavy snow, today face the prospect of deep frying the meatiest ones to stay alive.

With emergency services unable to get through, the cold and hungry motorists have fashioned a deep fat fryer using the cargo bay of a Toyota Hilux pick-up truck and some blow torches.

Those motorists that look the most delicious will then be deep fried in motor oil for about 20 minutes.

The police and fire brigade said they hoped to get close enough to the stranded cars so that they can use catapults to fire in sachets of brown sauce.

A spokesman for the RAC said: “Luckily most Scottish people carry batter ingredients in the boot of their car in case they come across something by the side of the road that needs to be deep fried.

“If you’re driving through central Scotland on a Sunday, you will often see families parked up by the side of the road deep frying a fox, or a badger or an abandoned shopping trolley.

“Sometimes a knife fight will break out over who gets to eat the wheels.”

Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack

PHOTOS of an obese cat in the throes of an endearing fatal heart attack have proved a huge hit on social media.

Loo-Loo Trixiebell Cakeslayer weighed three stone at the time of her instantly lovable premature death, which has garnered millions of likes.

Her final bewitching seizures were captured by her owner in an Instagram story which has been a viral hit with lovers of disgustingly fat dying animals around the globe.

One viewer commented: “OMG Looloo iz soooo cute she looks like she iz smilin even if it iz reelly just a grimuss ov pain. Oh well she iz with the angelz now. hope they have grate hi calorie kitty treets in heven lolz.”

Loo-Loo’s owner Nikki Hollis said: “Some people say it’s cruel to let your cat get that big, but she just ate normal cat stuff, like choux buns, curry and suet puddings with little sticks of lard stuck in them like a grotesque parody of a 99 ice-cream.

“The bits of her that could move, like her eyelids and tongue, were surprisingly agile. So really she was just big-boned.”

She added: “I guess she put on a little weight because I feed my pets eclairs elentlessly due to my history of dysfunctional relationships with horrible, vindictive men, so I give them the love I long for myself and I give it to them until it kills them. 

“There’s nothing unhealthy about that. Just look at the size of this f**king hamster.” 

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