subscribe
/ Sign Out

RSPB Gives Surprise Backing To Gigantic Bird Mincers

THE RSPB surprised conservationists last night by calling for the immediate construction of a UK-wide network of gigantic bird mincers.

The society revealed it was backing the construction of huge windfarms because it had grown sick of birds, which it said were noisy, unhygienic and interested only in themselves.

According to its research only 2% of UK birds are currently being minced, compared to 15% in Spain, 20% in Germany and 29% in Denmark, the European leader in the shredding of protected bird species.

A spokesman said: "We aren't saying put up windfarms anywhere, we want them targeted where they will kill most birds, especially big ones like swans and Golden Eagles.

"We want a coastal network of large turbines to stop foreign birds and a mini-turbine on every roof to get the really annoying little ones like finches and tits.

"But what we'd really like is a load of radar stations to give us early warning of where the birds are, just like they had for the Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain.

"Then we can funnel them in towards the turbines or – and this will require a bit of work – we can bolt some turbines onto a lorry and chase the bastards down."

The spokesman added: "It does mean we'll probably have to use the 'B' in RSPB for something else. We're thinking about 'Brians'."

The policy change follows the recent recruitment as chief executive of country sports enthusiast Brian Logan from the energy giant E.on.

Mr Logan said: "Have you ever seen an osprey go through one of those rotors? Helluva show – blood and beak parts everywhere. You'd pay good money to see that."

No Such Thing As Arsehole Bees, Say Experts

THERE is no bee equivalent of a lazy, self-centered arsehole who offloads all their admin onto you, according to new research.

A four-year study into insect swarm behaviour found that bees exist in a state of perpetual co-operation and never lock their larvae in the hive, get pissed and start chinning each other outside a bee nightclub.

The research also revealed that ant colonies work together to eradicate danger instead of automatically assuming that it's someone else's problem and calling for the deportation of unskilled foreign ants from outside the European Union.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Life on earth is infinitely varied, from creepy, deep-sea ghost fish to those weird little bats that look like Graham Norton.

"But it seems only humans would gleefully fuck each other over for the sake of a Christmas bonus."

Professor Brubaker said the findings echoed the plotline of the film Antz, but without all that neurotic, New York Jewishness.

He added: "Insect evolution has bred out individuality. They'll never produce great art or engineering. But it also means they'll never produce a tiny Jude Law or a six-legged Chris Martin. Swings and roundabouts."

The study also found that while bees help frail, old bees across the road, it confirmed suspicions that wasps are a bunch of arrogant, two-faced bastards that wouldn't piss in your face if your teeth were on fire.

Next story ›