Celebrity

GEORDIE simians Anthony and Declan were the chief recipients at last night's Common People's Television Awards.

THE Royal Family is being blackmailed over claims they have been keeping a deformed prince in a cupboard under the stairs.

CELEBRITY heiress Paris Hilton is to display her shaved vagina in a heartfelt 'thank-you' to California's brave firefighters.

THE Ritz Hotel in Paris was being hoovered less than an hour before Princess Diana died, according to dramatic video footage.

FORMER Sex Pistols frontman Johnny Rotten has launched a scathing attack on Discovery Channel presenter John Lydon describing, him as "a washed-out, cynical old bastard who was only ever interested in the money".

THE Queen of Pop has given her backing to Israeli President Shimon Peres, as well as showing him her latest impression of a tree.

THE number of people leaving Britain because of Jamie Oliver's face has risen for the second year in a row.

ACTOR Chris Langham is expected to quickly revive his showbusiness career after being classed as a "Townshend Category" child porn user.

SENIOR Tory MPs are calling for David Cameron to be replaced with another vote-losing weirdo from the party's extreme right wing.

TV quiz show host Noel Edmonds should be required to donate his major organs, preferably today, according to a new opinion poll.