subscribe
/ Sign Out

Cat Bin Lady Signed By Cowell

FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.

Charity shop model Mary Bale will record a range of feline-related covers for her debut CD, including The Cure’s Love Cats, Cool for Cats by Squeeze and Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract featuring MC Skat Kat.

Wayne Hayes, one of Cowell’s flying monkeys, said: “When Simon started watching the video, he rolled his eyes and assumed it was just another middle-aged woman stroking a cat but when he saw her treat a trusting innocent with such withering contempt he knew he’d found a kindred spirit.

“It was another Susan Boyle moment, but instead of a frumpy older woman suddenly revealing the voice of an angel it was a frumpy older woman revealing that she was a vindictive, pinch-faced old picklefanny.”

Bale has been offered protection by Coventry police after a local vigilante group threatened to torch her house for being a paedophile on the basis the cat was only two years old.

And Cowell is already facing a backlash with some accusing him of manufacturing the incident amid claims that Bale’s cat-dunking has been digitally enhanced.

Former neighbour, Nikki Hollis, said: “I remember loads of times when Mary found stray cats in her back garden and she couldn’t hit the side of a shed with them. Though not for want of trying.”

Meanwhile, Pakistani orphan, Ali Sanjar, said: “If my entire family had not been swept to their death by the mighty Indus, I’m sure they would be horrified to see such a nutritious animal being chucked in the bin like that.”

 

Chinese Celebrate As Their Lives Become As Pointless And Frustrating As Ours

THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.

Thousands of people stuck in a 10-day long traffic jam near Beijing sounded their car horns to mark the moment China matched Europe and the US for self-defeating greed and impotent fury.

Wan Jing, an accountant, said: “I am constantly filled with anxiety, I cannot sleep and my once busy penis now flops pathetically like the neck of a recently strangled duck. It is a great victory for the wise men of the Central Committee.

“I think of my mother and father working in the fields and eating three meals a day with their family and friends before telling each other wondrous stories and drifting off to sleep. What utter morons.

“I doubt they could ever, in their wildest dreams, have imagined me sitting here going absolutely nowhere for 10 days and winding myself into a tight ball of never-ending hate – in a brand new Golf GTI!”

Yang Shao, a construction foreman, said: “Confucius would no doubt say that in finding one’s way one can lose one’s way. But he was just some old fucker who lived in a tree.

“The world will quake with fear at the sight of our massive jam and see that we now have the economic and technological wherewithal to completely ruin our lives.”

He added: “My grandfather lived to the ridiculous age of 117 and was finally killed by a car when he was running across the road to buy some cigarettes.

“It is my dream to be the first member of my family to die of a stroke at the age of 52, preferably behind the wheel of my Audi as I plough across four lanes of world-beating rush hour traffic.

“I’d like to see Confucius come up with something clever about that.”

 

Next story ›