THE taxpayer will have to pay for Stephen Hester’s bonus or pay for his bonus and his lawyers, it has been confirmed.
Amid increased pressure to deprive the Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive of his full pay package, Hester looked up the word ‘contract’ on his iPhone and then called the senior partner at a law firm that describes people like you as ‘lunch’.
Hester said: “I have a contract, just as you have a contract. Look at us with our fancy contracts!
“Now, imagine how you would feel if the boss of the ghastly open plan office you share with dozens of other people suddenly said to you, ‘I’m sorry, but the Guardian say I can’t pay you this month because it thinks you’re a dick’.
“I imagine you would be straight on the phone to your trade union or some bog-standard local solicitor.
“Now the thing is, maybe you are a dick. Take a look around and you may notice that Britain is choc-a-bloc with people who are just dicks.
“But the great thing about you and me is that we both have contracts which stipulate the exact circumstances under which we do or do not get our lovely money.”
Experts said that in circumstances where idiot newspapers are not involved people tended to behave rationally and focus on whichever set of utter cretins drew up the contract in the first place.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Stephen Hester’s contract was drawn up by the party that is now claiming his contract is a disgrace.
“Ed Miliband is a fucking child.”
